My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
