so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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