We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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