when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
