Cold hands, warm shart.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
