I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Found the puke drawer
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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