There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
