It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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