Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
