my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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