Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
