Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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