I don't usually arrange sex via text message
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
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She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
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I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
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