My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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