I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
