Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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