So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
