I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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