I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
