Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
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