I think my fart just growled at me.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
