hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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