Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
