Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
