every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
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She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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