I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
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I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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