Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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