My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
