Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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