I am midnight drunk by noon
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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