she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize