Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
