Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
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I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
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It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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