Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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