What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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