I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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