i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
