did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I feel like death gave me a hand job
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
