Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
