On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
