There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize