He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
