Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
my phone needs a breathalizer
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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