Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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