i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
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please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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