Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
