I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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