right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
