i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
