look no pants
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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