Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I think my moral compass just broke
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
