Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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