ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
