Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
