mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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