i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
