i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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